I had to run for the train this morning. Nothing too unusual. The route from car to station is a 400 yard, down hill sprint that involves keeping my hat on and hurdling over green horse muck. The type of muck that knows if it is to survive, it has to blend in with the leaves. I’ve got it down to about 5 minutes if there’s no fresh poo. However this morning I was not alone. There was also a...
Today is a sad, sad day. We only have eleven minutes left with our super intern, Miss Rachael Alice Bloomfield. She falls over ever five minutes, mistook the Birmingham Bull for a dog, filled every silence with “Have you guys ever watched…” in an Australian accent and bought two gossip magazines a day, every day. We will miss her constant source of “Did you guys...
Just met a lady in the beauty aisle in Boots. She had brown hair and looked like she was going to a fancy dress party dressed as a less glamorous Bag Lady from Mary Poppins. Quite original, I thought. She was celebrating finding two bottles of Impulse Body Spray for £1 each - any flavour you want, but she preferred original - so I think she may have been more ‘touchy’ than she normally...
In South Korea it is WIDELY believed that if you leave an electric fan on overnight when you fall asleep… YOU WILL DIE. True story.
Dubstep Lyrics: Skrillex - First of the Year... →
dubsteplyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYYyMu3pzL4 - Eclectic Introduction - Aeg eh euf, gyaaaa uh ah uh, gye gye gye gyeeeeuw. Aeg eh euf, gyaaaa uh ah uh, gyuh nyi nyi nyi nyiiii nyao ni ni ni. Aeg eh euf, gyah, ah, yef, yaaiooiiiiinaaiiooneueuaodeh. Aeg eh euf, gyaaaa uh ah uh, gye…
Made some friends on the train this morning...
Bit rude. Guys..? What did I say? Thought it was a bit shitting RUDE strange that they kept stopping mid conversation to look out the window. “Yeah I usually get the later train but the clocks have… erm… Guys?… hello? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT NOW” Took me just under two minutes to realise that they were train spotters (good save brain, nice job, have a...
Plain and Glub
Listening to a girl on the train. She’s a fresher. Her voice is unusual and irritating. Nasal, but with a slight ‘glub’ at the back of her throat. If you wanted to recreate the tone, the best way would be to push a boiled sweet to the back of you tongue and say the word “plarstar” (plaster) down your nose. Her friend is sitting opposite. Plain. ‘Glub’ is...
Shout Out Y'ALL
I’ve noticed I’ve been getting a few hits recently (I don’t know why, I’m a POS (Piece Of Shit) and never write anything proper)… so thought I would take this opportunity to rinse the shit out of you all say HIIII to new followers and also to promote introduce you to one of my girlfriend’s exciting new clothing brands. WAIT DON’T GO…!!!! She’s...
Tea and Wee Categorisation
1) The type of person that puts the kettle on and then realises that they need a wee… But they stick it out waiting for the kettle to boil because that’s the path that they have signed up for, even though they are now in pain and are about to piss their pants can’t stop thinking about what their life would be like if they just took the risk and went to the toilet. They figure...
This is a Boring Blog Post
Got a few things that I’m thinking about at the moment. I will leave them here so I can come back to them and think about them again at a later time. This post does contain snot-chat so I understand if you need to leave now. Go, it’s fine. Pussy. NUMBER ONE WHERE IS THIS SNOT COMING FROM! It’s never-ending. When I’ve heard people say that their “nose is like a...
I Hate To Ride My Bicycle
My bike is a moron. I hate my bike, yep yep, I hate my bike. The brakes don’t work (if you’re a chicken you want to come to a complete stop, you have to get your feet involved), the pedals are not only toe traps, but they also scrape along the floor. To top the whole sack of horse shit thing off, the gears like to add a bit of spice to the journey. Whenever I decide to pedal like the...
Driving in Birmingham has changed me. I overtook a woman in the shop queue earlier because she took four seconds to get her purse out. Bloody woman queuer.
Non-Student Rule Book...?
Today is my first day as an official non-student. I’m a little bit anxious because no one has written a non-student rule book yet. Apparently you have to learn the norms and values of adulthood through word of mouth, trial and error and raised judgmental eyebrows from people in the street. (Even if the person in question is wearing fake Ugg boots that have considerably worn down on one side....
SHIT THE BED!!!!
WOW! What is THIS! The first 100 people to ‘like’ this get thrown into a draw to win some Mac goodies! And boy oh boy are they good. http://on.fb.me/e7Zfaw What’s not to like?
I guess ‘Loveless’ came from a place of loss and regret, when you try and change...– David Moore talks to Dazed about the new video for “Loveless”, and the meaning behind his music. (via dazeddigital)
At school I wouldn't tell anyone I wanted to be a...
Why are people not talking about the fact that Libya sounds like Labia? Why? We’re declaring war on LABIA? “I’d declare war on HER Libya”… AY, ay? Have we signed some sort of deal never to mention this? What is going ON. (I hope you read this in my hysterical voice)
I knew I couldn't have been the only one...
Mum: How is head? Are you feeling better? LOL
Me: What do you think LOL means?
Mum: Lots Of Love
I've Got Three Grandmas
GRANDMA 1: Her best soap is Emmerdale. That has always been her favourite one because when the credits roll at the end the announcer says: “wow! Whadda bout that then!” He really gets into it, you can tell. GRANDMA 2: She spends an hour a day cleaning Mrs Butterworth’s house but isn’t going to go today because she knows the answer to the Loose Women phone-in competition....
Reason #7 Why I Should Buy Creme Eggs in Bulk
Me: *Looking for my purse in my bag as I approach the counter*...
Shopkeeper: No creme egg today?
Shopkeeper: No creme egg. Today. None?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Shopkeeper: Do you not want a creme egg today?
Me: Well. Yes. I do. I'm just looking for my purse...
Shopkeeper: How many, two?
Me: Yes two. Piss off.
Shopkeeper: Two or three?
Me: Three you piece of shit.
Shopkeeper: Your favourite.
A Story About A Ukulele and People
I woke up this morning, opened my laptop and found a window still open. It was an Amazon confirmation email: “Thank you for purchasing a Vintage Ukulele - Natural”. Well, thanks for thinking of me Amazon. It’s been a while since I last bought/thought about our last encounter (fitness DVD), but I’m afraid this time you’re mistaken. I most certainly have not ordered a...
It's 3:45am. I've just been woken up by an urgent...
He’s just punched a statue of a horse, he tried to go for a poo in the toilets in the church but it was closed and if I ever threaten to leave him he’ll jump off the top of Mcdonalds. “Yeah yeah darling put some peas on it when you get in yeah yeah it’s closed at night honey yeah God needs sleep too yeah not McDonalds it’s too low you’ll just break a leg yeah...
My first blog
I jumped on the blogging bandwagon pretty early. When I was thirteen my mum found my online diary on opendiary.com. In it, I was pretending to be a 29 year old man. I guess you could say that was my first blog. I guess you could also say that was a pretty awkward conversation with my mum. I’m tempted to leave it at that, but for the sake of sake’s sake I’ll elaborate. To my...